The 7 stages of dealing with the extra weight from the holidays

1. Shock

“Wtf?!!!”

2. Denial

“There’s something definitely wrong with the scale. I couldn’t have gained any weight. I’m lucky that I have one of those constitutions that I could eat 10 Christmas dinners, 25000 mince pies, 400 christmas cakes and 300 million gingerbread men and not gain any weight.”

3. Pain

“Argh..!! It hurts so much every time i stand, walk, lift a finger, breathe. My gouty joints and non-elastic clothes are not designed for a body of mass proportions. Never mind the mental agony that makes my tortured soul cry  on the inside as i keep  eating because my feeble mind just won't stop!"

4. Anger

“I’m going to sue all those corporations for commercialising the holiday season so much. And that fat b******* Santa for trying to make everyone fat like him. How dare he? Who does he think he is? Just wait till he comes to town again…I’ll show him who’s naughty and nice…

5. Bargaining

“Please someone, please! Take this weight away. You could make one whole other fat person with the excess weight. It would serve you as a slave for eternity. You could use it as a pillow, a futon, a punching bag, a paper weight (sledge hammer for a nail but whatever). I’ll even offer my entire life savings, a grand total of $0.73 if you’d just take the weight away!"

6. Depression

“No one’s going to love me for being so fat. I’m such a loser. I’m going to die alone in my flat with the dead bodies of my  8 cats all of whom died of malnourishment because I ate all their food. Well, actually, they might not even know about the cats because I'd probably eat them all as well."

7. Acceptance

“Who needs to be fit anyway? Being fit is universal conspiracy by thin people just because they jealous of fat people. They are jealous that there is so much more to love - physically and emotionally. Fat people bring the most joy in the world and the thin people just can't stand it. I mean think about it. John Candy, Po the Kung-Fu Panda, Chris Farley, Santa Claus (apologies for earlier Santa). All fat.

I also have a reason to buy new clothes every season now. (Maybe less horizontal stripes and more vertical). And why be thin and eat the meal sets for 1 when you can be fat and have the ones for 2-3 or 4-6 people.

Pain is temporary. Glory is forever. Fat is salvation."

Extras:

1. Repeat the above for over 3 decades and you'll understand why I look the way I do.
2. The above could also be titled as "Fat Man: Origins" (for the unfortunate few who actually read Fat Man)

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